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Can't live with them, can't live without them.

Difficult conversations are those things we know we need to have from time to time and yet, most of us are experts at avoiding them. Until now...

Let's look at the anatomy of a difficult conversation so we can better address them when they arise.

According to author Fred Kofman, from his book 'How to Build Value through Values', a difficult conversation can be broken down into the following three elements:

A bit more detail:

1. The It: When addressing the “It”, it’s about clarifying what each person believes to be true and the outcome they are aiming for.

2. The Relationship: It’s about how each party views the interaction and how they treat each other. The way people communicate—whether they are respectful, dismissive, or collaborative—affects the relationship and plays a significant role in difficult conversations. Addressing the relational aspect helps to maintain trust and understanding.

3. The Self: People often struggle in difficult conversations because they feel their identity or personal values are being challenged. Understanding one’s own emotional reactions and being aware of how the conversation impacts self-esteem or self-image is crucial for managing difficult interactions constructively.

Kofman emphasises that recognising and addressing all three aspects—the It, the Relationship, and the Self—is vital for managing difficult conversations effectively. ​

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It ensures the conversation is not solely about solving the problem (the It), but also about maintaining the relationship and understanding each individual’s internal experience. Makes sense, right?

So now, take a 'this human' style look inside yourself and note which of the three elements you feel most comfortable with and which is least comfortable. It's a start.

You've got this.

Love,

PS. Next week we'll explore the first of five principles of how to have better difficult conversations.

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